Does your child tend to hang with you on the playground/public place, instead of playing with other children?
Do they have a hard time mixing with a group of their peers?
Is home their favorite place to be?
Have you ever yelled, “Just go play/hang out with the other kids!?”
If so, then this is the guide for you!
By the end of this guide, you will have a better understanding of why it is hard for your highly sensitive child (HSC) to jump into new situations and make friends, what your child needs and doesn’t need from you, and some strategies to help them find and foster friendships.
Why can’t my highly sensitive child just go play with other kids!?!
Good friendship is beneficial to all children. It builds their self-confidence, as well as their social and emotional development. HSCs love to play and want to develop friendships, but jumping right into a new situation with unfamiliar people isn’t usually their style. They typically need to observe a situation for a bit first and may struggle to keep up with the fast-paced play of their peers. They are more cautious and often enjoy one-on-one play over interacting with a group of children. Sometimes they may also feel overstimulated as a result of a sensory factors such as a high level of noise, a very crowded place, or a particular smell.
Highly sensitive boys (HSBs) who shy away from aggressive play or competitive behavior, may have an added challenge of making friends with other boys. They may enjoy a less hostile and more imaginative play that female friends offer and this is okay. Seeking out children with similar temperaments to your child will be beneficial. You can encourage interactions with other boys and girls, but don’t push. They will get there when they are ready.
Put yourself in their shoes
Imagine you were invited to a party by a friend. You decide to go, but when you get there you see a few acquaintances, but really you don’t know anyone very well. Now, what if that same friend who invited you starts pushing you to “Just go talk” to those people as soon as you get there.
“Go talk to them, c’mon. What’s wrong? I am sure they are nice. Go ask them if they want to talk!”
How would you respond? If you are an extrovert, this might not bother you much, but if you are more introverted or sensitive to your environment, you’d probably be pretty annoyed with your friend! Maybe you just want a few minutes to observe and warm up to the party. Perhaps you want to hang with your friend for a bit or have them introduce you when you’re ready; however all their pushing has put you in a bad mood.
Now change the word talk in those sentences to play and think of how a child who doesn’t have the same emotional control and coping skills of an adult would respond. Tantrums, crying, hitting, yelling or all of the above might occur, right? Perhaps they might even shut down and internalize it all. Sound familiar?
Now that you know why HSCs can have a harder time making friends, lets discuss how you as a parent can help.
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The first steps begin with you.
First let’s start with managing your own expectations. As a parent, you want your child to thrive in the world and a big part of that is developing and maintaining friendships with peers. It can be extremely frustrating and upsetting to see your sensitive child struggling to make social connections; however it is so important to remember that they can and will over time with loving guidance and patience.
Children look to their caregivers for guidance. You are their role models for how to act and react. Patience, acceptance and empathy toward your HSC are key to helping them. I completely understand that this is often easier said than done! You can’t help but feel sad and discouraged when you see your child left out or when other children seem to have no problem joining in and making friends immediately and effortlessly.
Meanwhile your child is miserable, hanging onto you whining about it being too hot, too messy or too (fill-in-the-blank). I have been there. “Why can’t you just go play!” has come out of my mouth on more than one occasion, only for me to immediately regret it when my child says “I’m sorry mommy.” Cue the guilt. It can be a vicious cycle. Pushing an HSC just won’t work. As hard as it may be, don’t compare your highly sensitive child to other children. They just need some extra help and patience.
What HSCs need from parents:
Acceptance – A child needs to know they are loved and truly accepted for who they are. They feel things more deeply and need to know that being
highly sensitive is not a flaw.
Validation of feelings-HSCs don’t need lecturing. They often just want someone to listen and validate their feelings. With my younger child, I help him label his feelings when his emotions get too big by saying things like “I see that _____ is making you feel frustrated. You are upset about what happened.” Helping HSCs label big feelings can help tremendously.
Empathy – HSCs need to feel understood and know that it is okay to feel the way they do. Listen and communicate that you understand how the noisy birthday is hard for them or that playing with unfamiliar children feels a bit scary.
Celebrate small victories – If an HSC does something on their own terms (not through bribery) it should be celebrated, as long as this makes the child feel good. Did they interact one-on-one with a new child for 30 seconds? This is HUGE! Were they able to sit at the birthday table with other kids? Wow! Make sure to tell them how proud you are. This will help boost confidence and self-esteem.
What they don’t need:
Pushing and Bribery: HSCs are not easily rushed or bribed. They need to be internally motivated and given the time to do things on their own terms. This stubbornness may seem like defiance, but their strong resolve will be beneficial as they grow.
Threats- Threatening a child is always a bad idea; however it can really affect an HSC who may internalize their emotions and begin thinking there is something wrong with them.
Surprises: I’m talking sudden changes in routine or the ways things are done. HSCs often have a hard time with change. It is important to prepare your child for any change, no matter how insignificant it may seem to you.
When we moved the furniture in our living room to make room for a piano awhile back, I didn’t think much about it. We had talked about getting a piano and our boys were excited. It never crossed my mind to discuss the fact that furniture would have to be rearranged until my four year old came home from preschool and started crying and screaming hysterically to put it all back the way it was!
Planning a surprise social outing, play date, birthday party, etc for an HSC can backfire. They usually like to know what to expect.
Fostering Friendships
Of course it is important to allow children to follow their own path when it comes to friendships, but sometimes HSCs need a little more support and 
guidance when it comes to interacting with peers. Here are a few ways you can lay the foundation for a successful friendship:
Strengthen their social skills
Help your child understand what good social behavior is and model this for them. Emphasize the importance of sharing, taking turns, and losing gracefully. This preparation will contribute to a more positive interaction with peers.
Provide scripts & role play
As discussed earlier, HSCs often do not like surprises. They benefit from knowing what to expect. If you are going somewhere new, meeting up with distant relatives, or hosting a play date with a new child, try to give them an rough outline of what to expect. This helps them feel more in control of a situation.
Reviewing common questions they may be asked, like What is your name? How old are you? What grade are you in? What is your favorite ______? Practice these questions, so that they feel comfortable answering. In addition, giving them ready made scripts for when they meet new people and role playing with these, will help them feel much more confident going into a new situation.
Define what a real friend is
HSCs need to understand what real friendship means. It can sometimes be hard for them to speak up for themselves, which can lead to them being taken advantage of. Make sure to define a friend as someone who is nice to them and takes turns with their friend when choosing what to play. A friend is someone who lifts them up instead of bringing them down. Disagreements will happen between friends, but for the most part they should feel happy when spending time with friends. Teach sensitive children how to be a friend and remind them that true friends accept each other for who they are and care about each others feelings.
Help your HSC get involved with a group of peers that share a similar interest
These days it is the norm for children to participate in team sports, but competition can be difficult for the HSC. If they are not interested in competitive team sports, don’t push it. They will be much happier and successful making friends when they are doing something they enjoy.
Do they like art? Research art classes for kids in your area. Love music? Get them involved with the school choir, band or music lessons. Into acting? Check out a theater group for kids. Lego clubs are gaining popularity at schools and libraries, as well as cooking programs. Ask your HSC about what they are interested in doing and then check out what your school and community offers.
Partnering and Patience leads to progress
Highly sensitive children have so much to offer, but sometimes they just need some assistance and direction when it comes to making friends. Partnering with your child and being their advocate will produce a happier, stronger and more confident person when it comes to social connections.
How have you helped your HSC when it comes to friendships? Leave a comment below to help out other parents.
In addition, check out my post on The Power of Play Dates for Anxious and Sensitive Kids for a list of play date tips.
Other resources on my blog that may be helpful to you:
How to Help your Sensitive Child Handle Big Emotions
Discipline Strategies for the Sensitive Child
Beginner’s Guide to Understanding High Sensitivity in Children
How to Handle After School Meltdowns with your Child
Gift Guide for the Highly Sensitive Child
5 Myths About the Highly Sensitive Child
Resources for Parents of Highly Sensitive Children
The Power of Play Dates for Anxious and Sensitive Kids
10 Benefits of Being Highly Sensitive
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Very good. I did all these things when my daughter was little. She is 14 now started a new school. Too much pressure always from therapist that do not get her. Do not listen and again ignored in school. In high school there isn’t any help for children like this and she keeps backsliding from the treatment of you have to talk. She is expected to initiate friendships by therapist and school and she can not. She has always been handled in a push you away by therapist instead of gentle guidance which is what work well with her at home. They can’t be bothered it’s too much trouble things like that won’t go on her 504 plan she is still denied and IEP even though she cannot talk at all she went from whispering to three children down to 0 new school new environment very difficult. She’s in excellent student her grades are A’s have always been A’s and B’s so since she’s so smart she doesn’t need any help. She still has social skills underdeveloped in school setting. No one in school has ever bothered to work with her with these issues and they have always put it on her. So of course there’s been no progress.
Hi Linda. I am so sorry to hear about your daughter’s struggles. It so frustrating to go around in circles with doctors who just don’t understand. It breaks my heart. Has your child been evaluated specifically for selective mutism? Our doctor treats teens and can do so remotely. If you want more information, you can contact me at thehighlysensitivechild@gmail.com