highly sensitive child's negative self-talk

Does your sensitive child engage in negative self-talk? As a parent it is heartbreaking to hear your child putting themselves down. Everyone engages in self-critical behavior from time to time, but if negative self-talk is occurring frequently with your child, it is important to address it head on. If left alone, it can lead to a vicious cycle of negativity and low self-esteem. So how can you address this? Here are 8 ways to respond to your sensitive child’s negative self-talk.

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor or health professional and know others may have different opinions than my own.

1. Acknowledge feelings and empathize

Acknowledge your child’s feelings, not the words. Really listen to them and discuss the situation together. Underneath your sensitive child’s negative self-talk, lies some big feelings that need to be addressed. No matter how ridiculous or embarrassing you believe their feelings to be in any given situation, it is very important to empathize and help them work through it.

For example if your child is saying “I’m so dumb” when working on math homework after school, your immediate response might be something along the lines of “No you’re not. You just have to focus!”

Instead of fighting against their words, take a step back and figure out the emotion they are likely feeling when they say these words. A better response would be, “I see you are feeling frustrated when you can’t figure out the math problem. I have seen you work through math problems before and I know you can figure out this one too. What part are you stuck on? Let’s see if we can work on it together.”

Let your child know that it is okay to have challenging feelings but that they do not define them.

2. Figure out the source

Have an open discussion with your child to try sensitive child's negative self talk and draw out where these negative feelings are coming from. Is someone at school giving them a hard time? Do any of their friends engage in negative self-talk? Are they having a particularly challenging time at school or in another area of their life?

Take the time to evaluate your mindset as well. Children take their cues from their parents, so it is important to take into account how you react to challenges and speak about yourself and family members.

3. Ask for specifics

When a child is engaging in negative self-talk they tend to be consumed by all-or-nothing thinking. They are seeing things as black and white with no room for gray. Either ‘I am good at this’ or ‘I am bad at this.’ Something is great or horrible, smart or dumb, success or a failure. They speak in absolutes like, All the teachers are mean to me, and I’ll never be good at _____.

In order to break this pattern, you need to ask for some specifics to back up their claim.

For example, if your child is saying, All the teachers are mean to me, ask them to provide you with specific instances of when teachers have been mean to them.

You could say something along the lines of, “I understand that you are feeling hurt by your teachers. That would be frustrating. Can you tell me about some times when teachers have been mean to you.”

This helps break down the all-or-nothing thinking. As your child tries to explain when teachers have been mean to them, they may realize that there has only been one or two instances they can think of and it doesn’t involve every teacher. You may also discover that what your child is labeling as “mean” is really a teacher’s attempt to help your child do something that is challenging for them.

If your child is saying things like, I’ll never be good at soccer, math, making friends, etc. be sure to point out times where they have done something well in that specific area and help them change their thought pattern by adding the word “yet.”

I’m not good at soccer yet, but with practice I can get better.

I may not be able to do this type of math yet, but if I work through it with someone I will learn how to do it.

Having an open discussion with your child and getting specific allows them to see that there are more than just two options.

4. Share your struggles

It is important for your child to know that they are not the only ones who face challenges and struggles in life. Let them know what is hard for you and share specific instances when you have failed and how you have overcome specific obstacles. Make a point to acknowledge when you mess up or make a mistake. This helps normalize the struggle and lets them know that they are not alone when it comes to challenges.

5. Offer unconditional love and support

Providing a loving, supportive home environment for your child is key to helping your child work through their challenges. It offers a safe place for them to fail, try out new things and be themselves without judgement.

6. Focus on their strengths

As a parent, it is easy to spot negative behavior and focus on things our children are doing wrong. Many times we are quick to point out what they are not doing (cleaning their room, forgetting their manners, etc) and forget to praise them for their good behavior.

Don’t feed their inner critic.

If your sensitive child is engaging in a lot of negative self-talk, make it a priority to point out their good efforts and attitude. Be as specific as you can when praising your child and celebrate their strengths to build their self-esteem. Make a list of their strengths together and hang it up so your child can see it each day. For some ideas, check out the article Celebrating Sensitivity: 10 Benefits of Being Highly Sensitive!

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7. Rewrite the conversation

Help your child edit the negative script that is running through their head. Give them specific positive affirmations to say when they feel negative thinking creeping in.

If your child is saying, Math is so hard. I’m so dumb. I can’t do this! Give them a new script. I am trying my best with math. It is okay if I make mistakes. Mistakes are how you learn.

8. Get outside support

If your efforts to help your child are falling flat and negative self-talk is continuing or increasing, it may be in your child’s best interest for you to seek help from a mental health professional.

What is your plan to address your sensitive child’s negative self-talk?

You now have 8 ways to respond to your sensitive child’s negative self-talk. Which one is your favorite? What’s your plan for working on negative self-talk with your child? Have another suggestion to add to the list? Make sure to share it in the comments section, so that you can help other parents and children.