I always knew I wanted to be a mom. When I first got married, I imagined that I would easily get pregnant and have two girls. Our days would be filled of with fun activities, children who obeyed my every word and I would never yell. Ha! How blissfully naive I was!
10 years, several infertility treatments, and two highly sensitive boys later, life couldn’t have turned out more different than what I had unrealistically imagined. It has been a difficult journey, but I honestly wouldn’t change a thing. It has made me who I am today and allowed me to help so many other families.
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The baby that changed our lives
Our oldest, Mr. 8, definitely wasn’t the laid back baby I imagined having. He was a happy baby, but also very high strung. He always wanted to be held and walked around. Looking back to his baby book, we had written as early as 10-11 months that he was nervous around strangers and took a long time to warm up to others. Everyone always said (and still does) that he is very observant. He had mature speech very early. His first words after mama and dada were empty and bucket. Around 20 months, his language really exploded and everyone commented on how clear and extensive his vocabulary was.
Mr. 8 was an introvert, just like my husband and I. He was always slow to warm up. Whenever anyone would come over that was new or he hadn’t seen in a while he would stay very still and want to sit on our lap. We thought it was a little strange, but we really enjoyed the rest from the crazy toddler who would run around when no one was there. It was a nice break! It wasn’t until his second year that we started feeling like there were a lot of red flags.
Inside the house, Mr. 8 was wild and full of energy, but outside of the house he was much different. He was very cautious and had a lot of trouble at the playground with other kids. He didn’t enjoy swinging or sliding. If another child wanted to sit with him on a seesaw or merry-go-round, he would practically dive off of the apparatus as quickly as possible. If he was going up a ladder and someone started coming up behind him, he’d panic. He didn’t like to interact with most children and preferred adults. We just assumed he was shy and would outgrow this behavior.
Sensory Sensitivities
We started noticing that he was sensitive to a lot of things in his environment. We had never hear of the term high sensitivity or sensory sensitivity, so his behavior was a HUGE mystery to us.
He had trouble with the feeling of grass and sand on him. The sandy beach and loud ocean made for anything but an enjoyable time. Mr. 8 did not enjoy rides of any kind and we found it so strange that he would absolutely freak out on a carousel horse.
Taking his picture was a challenge. He would reluctantly let us take a picture, but would never smile or would just turn his head away. He refused to be in any group pictures at preschool as well. When he was a toddler, he would throw a fit when we tried to put him in swooshy track pants, snow pants or shirts that had tags. He also hated band aids and would scream if we tried to put one on him. Shoes were a major issue too and cutting his toenails was impossible!
Silence at School
In the fall of 2012, we started attending a play school run by parents, so I stayed with him. I really noticed that he was extremely anxious around other children. He would avoid interactions with them. He would whisper to me, but had trouble participating in activities and talking with the other kids. He didn’t like sitting in circle time, even on my lap, and he refused to put his name tag up on the board during circle time the entire year.
That winter, February 2013, Mr. 8 started a 2 ½ year old preschool program. When I would pick him up, he seemed to have enjoyed it, but when I had the first school conference with the teacher, she said she couldn’t evaluate his speech because he had never spoken in class! What!?!
I was so surprised that he wasn’t speaking, because he spoke great and constantly at home. He would only non-verbally respond at school. The teacher also mentioned that he had trouble on the playground and at gym.
I decided to come and observe him and it was clear that he was extremely anxious at school. Mr. 8 would avoid interactions with other children. He couldn’t even speak to me inside the school building! At gym time, he would never crawl through a tunnel, never go across the balance beam, and would constantly jump off things if another child approached him.
It was so painful to watch. I had no idea what to make of it all. He was such an affectionate and personable child at home. I felt frustrated and sad that no one knew what a sweet, amazing kid he was.
When he still wasn’t speaking by the end of the school year, his teacher had mentioned the term Selective Mutism and also sensory challenges, since he refused to have his hands traced, painted, etc. and was uncomfortable on the playground equipment. To this day I am forever grateful to that teacher for educating me on those terms.
Becoming an advocate for my son
At the beginning of our journey, a few individuals, including one doctor who saw my son for all five minutes, suggested that Mr. 8 was on the autism spectrum. I have nothing against this diagnosis, but I knew 100 percent that this was not the case. I began educating myself and quickly realized that I needed to be an advocate for my son.
My husband and I started researching Selective Mutism online and word for word this was our son! It felt wonderful to finally understand what was going on with him, but terrifying at the same time. How do we treat this? Will he deal with this forever?
In the process of learning about SM, I stumbled upon a video from the SMart Center in PA. In March 2013, I made the call to them. It was the beginning of our journey to help our son. In August we went for our initial consult.
Finding a doctor who specialized in and truly understood SM was the best decision we made in this entire journey.
We had our second child two months prior in June. I can say with confidence that 2013 was the most challenging, but rewarding year of my life.
During that crazy year of being a mom to a newborn and helping my 3 year old with his SM therapy, I learned that I was capable of handling more than I ever thought possible. I decided to put my career on hold and become a stay at home mom, dedicating all of my time to taking care of our new baby and helping my oldest son.
Discovering the term “Highly Sensitive”
I was first introduced to the terms highly sensitive person (HSP) and child (HSC) during our first meeting at the SMart Center. My husband and I had communicated to Mr. 8’s doctor that in addition to his inability to speak outside of the home, he was overwhelmed easily and emotionally intense. He seemed extremely sensitive to several aspects of his daily life – light, touch, textures, playground equipment, amusement rides, etc.
She recommended the book, The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When The World Overwhelms Them by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D. Reading this book really changed my perspective on everything that my son was going through. It answered all my questions and more. I quickly realized that my son was a highly sensitive child (HSC) and it was a game changer!
Sharing our journey with the world
It was never my intention to be a blogger. A blog was the furthest thing from my mind! I have always been a writer though and find journaling therapeutic. In 2014, I started recording our family’s journey with Selective Mutism on Blogger, but never published any posts. I was just using it as a private journal for myself to keep track of all we had done and all Mr. 8 had accomplished during our first year with the SMart Center.
At some point that year, I joined a FB group for Parents of Children with SM and discovered that there were so many moms and dads out there who had the same questions I had 12 months ago. I knew that what I had written could benefit so many others going through the same struggles and questions, so I felt compelled to share our journey.
I decided to share my private blog, The Other Side of Silence, in a few Selective Mutism FB groups with the hope that it could help other children and families dealing with Selective Mutism and high sensitivity. Now, I am an introvert and a pretty private person, so this was an extremely scary step for me. Looking back though, I feel that this decision was the start of it all. It is why you are reading this today.
I received very positive feedback from parents in the FB group and my page views started growing. Over the next two years, word spread and parents started asking me for advice in helping their children overcome SM. I was receiving daily emails with questions about Selective Mutism and high sensitivity. I would email and talk to parents on the phone, sharing the steps we took to help our son.
Time for a Break
I remember how desperate I was for answers to my son’s behavior when I was starting out, so I wanted to help every single person who contacted me. It was so fulfilling to be able to explain high sensitivity to parents and guide them towards the right professionals to treat SM.
As a mom with two young children though, my time was extremely limited. There just wasn’t enough time in the day to take care of all my mom duties and also keep up with all the correspondence. I became overwhelmed and in 2015 I decided to focus solely on my family for a while. Mr. 8 was starting kindergarten in the fall and most of my time was spent educating the school staff about SM and high sensitivity, getting his IEP updated, and helping our son prepare for this new transition.
I worked hard to come up with ways to explain high sensitivity and SM to school staff and developed strategies to help with transitions from school to home and during the school day. I worked on helping Mr. 8 develop friendships with peers and worked with the school over the summer to make the transition much easier. It was not easy being Mr. 8’s advocate. It took me way out of my comfort zone, but it helped tremendously. A few years later, I am now using the exact same strategies with my youngest (Mr. 5) who started kindergarten this past fall.
Every HSC is Unique
It was also at this time that I began to realize that my youngest son was also dealing with some sensory sensitivities. He was gagging at the sight of stringy foods like spaghetti and melted cheese. He was also easily overwhelmed and anxious about loud noises, certain clothing textures and things like band aids.
Figuring out that my youngest son was also highly sensitive took awhile. Even though I was already raising another highly sensitive boy, their reactions to being overstimulated were completely different. My oldest coped by turning inward and enjoyed being comforted when he was overstimulated. My youngest was much more outgoing and emotionally intense. He had a lot of demanding and persistent outbursts and was a sensory seeker when nervous. I knew he didn’t have Selective Mutism, but after rereading Dr. Aron’s book, I realized that HSCs can vary a lot with temperament.
Back to Blogging
In 2016, I came back to the blog and continued sharing our personal SM journey; however Mr. 8 had overcome his Selective Mutism, so there wasn’t as much to talk about. He was verbal in all areas, was thriving at school and had developed some really good friendships.
I decided to start sharing books that were beneficial to our family through our SM and high sensitivity journey. As a former children’s librarian, I strongly believe in bibliotherapy. Books are one of the most powerful things I have relied on to help me build my boys’ confidence, validate their feelings, start conversations and help them realize that they are not alone with their struggles. We have read books to help my sons with sensory challenges, Selective Mutism, anxiety, perfectionism, self-esteem and the list goes on.
While I was sharing books with my readers, I was also reading a lot about the self-publishing world and decided it was a good time to begin the project I had been wanting to do for a few years.
Publishing a Children’s Journal
While my son was being treated for SM, the doctor at the SMart Center mentioned to us that creating a “Scary Chart” would be a good way to help him feel more in control of his feelings and fears. I created a little chart with four faces of varying fear with the words “Not Scary,” “A Little Scary,” “Scary” and “Super Scary” – each one below a face.
We would sit together every night and go through the events of the day using the chart. We came up with some fun ways to do this and I also started using it with my younger son. I decided to make a few paper copies and staple them together with an area for my oldest to write or draw about his day. He loved it and it became such an effective tool for him. I knew that one day I wanted to create a true journal to help other children dealing with anxiety in their daily life.
After a lot of research to figure out how to create and market a book, I launched My Book of Brave in April of 2016. I was blown away by the response! It became a #1 New Release and #1 Best Seller on Amazon in the categories of Children’s Diary Books and Inner-Child Self Help. I also now offer a variety of scary chart pages in a digital format.
A New Direction
In 2017, I continued posting to The Other Side of Silence blog, but I wanted to move away from our personal journey blog to one that focused more on helping parents understand their highly sensitive children and those dealing with Selective Mutism. This is something that I would have loved back when I was struggling to understand my boys. I knew there was a need for this type of content and I had so much to share.
I began researching more about the blogging world and all the options available to share knowledge with others. In August 2017, I signed up for a fantastic blogging course. I learned how to set up a professional blog and reach my audience. I launched my blog The Highly Sensitive Child at the end of 2017. The goal was to help and inspire parents to support and celebrate their highly sensitive children, while also providing the support they needed as a parent.
I noticed that I was getting so many questions about schooling and realized a big pain point for many families was the school environment. I began figuring out a way to share all my tips and strategies for helping sensitive kids in the school setting and created the course Making Sense of Sensitivity at School.
It has been an honor getting to know all of my readers and it is so rewarding being able to help them with their struggles . I love hearing everyone’s personal stories through emails and our Facebook group.
I definitely do not have it all figured out, but I have learned A LOT along the way. I look forward to continuing to help you understand high sensitivity and Selective Mutism at home, at school and in all areas of your family’s lives.
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